Thursday, 2 September 2010

A stressful time

Reasons to be stressed:
  1. Blows feeling a bit shaky - they haven't hit the 'down 10%' threshold where I need to ring the hospital, but I am struggling more and more to get a good one. The consistency isn't there, and the average I get is around 3.10 FEV1 compared with a best of 3.36. I'll do a few in the 3.05, 2.98 range and then get a random 3.20 which will make me feel better...
  2. My funcoplication is booked for 21st September and I'm getting nervous and a bit panicky. As soon as you search the web you come across horror stories on forums of the procedure. I'm worried about: maintaining weight, having an appetite, eating sludge for a few months, stomach pain and discomfort - and all that turning me into a miserable sod and the impact that'll have on long-suffering Vicky...  Usually a surgical procedure is to improve quality of life. This one is guaranteed to decrease my quality of life. Hopefully a short term pain for a long term gain (staying alive longer!).
  3. My mother is getting worse with her Alzheimer's quite quickly. She is insecure and worried and calls me and my sister 4 or 5 times a day. It's distressing and very hard to understand what her problems are, or why she called as she has such problems with language.
Sometimes it feels like it all happens at once. On the back of all this I feel guilt for being stressed or pissed off since I should be grateful for the fact I'm alive, have had a transplant, am well. And of course I am grateful underneath - I still celebrate at every physical exertion achieved, at every good night's sleep. It's just so hard to feel so well and be faced with an operation that will make you feel ill again.
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5 comments:

  1. Anonymous2 September 2010 at 12:54

    Hi Will, sorry you are a bit down, and trust you bounce back a bit tomorrow. How dare you arrange ANOTHER operation while I will be in South Africa. Once is understandable, but twice smacks of carelessness.

    Very best wishes and love to you both
    Vicky's Dad

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  2. clare1232 September 2010 at 13:13

    Being down when you have reasons is fine; it's when there is no reason you have to worry. Good luck for the operation and best wishes for getting through this (once again) difficult time. Clare (Anice's friend from CCC) :o)

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  3. Anonymous3 September 2010 at 07:59

    Reading about upcoming operations on the web is ALWAYS a mistake. Let's face it, most people would only write about it if it went wrong! Before I had my sinus op I had read an article about people waking up during their operations but unable to move because of the muscle relaxant. I was so nervous by the time they got me into theatre that they had to sedate me before they could give me the anaesthesia as my blood pressure was all over the place! Oh, now you're going to worry about waking up too...
    My next party will have to be a soup party. I would make a good Soup Dragon! Maybe some blue string pudding too (I hope you like The Clangers).

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  4. James Fahr4 September 2010 at 14:16

    Hi Will, hope your feeling more chipper today. This transplant stuff is not easy, a day does not go by when I have to ask myself if the thing I want to do is worth the risk. The true answer is always, who knows...

    For what its wortg, as far as your surgery goes many clinics in the US have the fundo as a standard part of their transplant procedure. They think buttoning up the stomach helps to minimize rejection later in life. My clinic is not one that does this, but i have read and thought about it much.

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  5. Denise Fahr4 September 2010 at 18:01

    Jim tells me today is your birthday so...Happy Birthday! It is so easy to search on something online and find things that scare you; we all do it! Good luck on the 21st. Vicky made it though the tx process and hopefully she feels like this will be more like a walk in the park, comparatively. Hopefully things will get a bit easier for you guys once your surgery is completed and the healing has begun. Try not to feel guilty for being stressed or pissed. You have a right to and it is a natural. Best to both of you!
    Denise

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